The following news story brought to you by A.S.S. – the American Society for Satire.
Washington, D.C. –
Over 1.6 million liquor store robberies were reported during 2010. Liquor store owners have complained loudly but, as Liquor Store Robbery Council president Paul Mufinger says, “No laws have been broken.”
This is, in fact, true. In 2007 and 2008, the LSRC spent over $3 million lobbying congress to affect change in our nation’s armed robbery laws. As of January 1, 2010, as long as no one has been directly killed by a robber, there has been no crime. Because of this change, liquor store robbery is now a legal and legitimate profession.
It is also a form of employment. Liquor store robbery corporations, of which several are members of the LSRC, sprang up prior to the aforementioned lobbying of congress. The legal climate at the time of their inception forced these corporations to take political action in order to stay competitive with foreign-owned robbery enterprises.
“These robbers take risks, they take time to prepare for each job, they work hard. Why shouldn’t they enjoy the fruits of their labor? Are we going to punish success? Is that what America is about?” asked Mufinger.
The good news is that this change has driven the creation of over 45,000 jobs, with fewer than 450 liquor stores being forced to close down. Mufinger continued: “For years we’ve watched big corporations use their money to make it legal to rip off and poison the people and the environment of the United States, all while paying almost no taxes at all. Our constituents used to strike back against this unfairness in their ineffective little way by robbing a liquor store here and there, willy-nilly. Now, we have our own powerful organization, and our people don’t have to worry about being sentenced to jail time just for trying to make a living.”
And in fact a new tax loophole has been created which allows for deductions for unused bullets, thereby providing an incentive for liquor store robbers to conduct their business without any unnecessary violence.
Also in Washington this week: DAI, (Domestic Abuse Incorporated) is attempting to push through a similar bill that would allow its subsidiaries to beat their wives and kids. Some Republicans in congress have questioned what they have called a “coattail bill”, as they had failed to see how it would increase the economic flow of capitalism. Their concerns were brushed aside, however, when DAI spoke of the inevitable increases in doctor visits, as well as the sale of bandages.
LSCA (Loan Shark Corporation of America) also plans similar political action soon.
-Tom Rossi (interim chief editor for A.S.S.)
Tom Rossi is a commentator on politics and social issues. He is a Ph.D. student in International Sustainable Development, concentrating in natural resource and economic policy. Tom greatly enjoys a hearty debate, especially over a hearty pint of Guinness.
Tom also posts on thrustblog.blogspot.com